Chapter 112.5 Not a Chapter, Drunken Gibberish

I drank a lot that night. When I first started drinking, I wanted to make my life better. But by the time I drank the fourth bottle of beer, my emotions came out.

Before, I was concerned about most people. But when I was drinking with Bai Haotian, I was suddenly only concerned about myself. Everything I did in the past became clear and simple. I understood what I wanted for the first time. Before I lost consciousness—when it was only me and the alcohol left—I especially understood what I wanted.

I drank heartily that night. When I was alone with my thoughts during the past ten or twenty years, I always felt panicked and weak. But at this moment, I finally understood something.

“I always hope that I won’t let people down,” I said to Bai Haotian. “Although it’s very difficult, I’ve finally lived to the point where I can be satisfied when only that one person isn’t disappointed.”

Bai Haotian was terrified. I didn’t know what I said to her after drinking too much, or even how I got home.

That night, I heard a lot of voices in my ear. They sounded like Uncle Three’s, Uncle Two’s, and my parents’ voices. I had always been clear-headed for so many years that it was rare for me to be so muddled for once. I knew that when I woke up, I would remember my thoughts when I was drunk. I saw how pure I was back in the day and felt like I wanted to cry.

I dreamed of the lama temple in Tibet and the ribbon floating in my dream. I dreamed of everything—from my sense of belonging, to where my life belonged in the grand scheme of things—but I dared not touch, stress, or solidify them. I was afraid I wasn’t worthy of those memories and times. Even though I had done so many things and controlled so many other people, I still didn’t dare say any beautiful words.

This was the first time I didn’t want to sober up. I really didn’t want to. In my illusions, my emotions didn’t need to be suppressed and rational. Everything about me was fixed at that first moment. I hoped to be strong and mature enough at that time.

I fell into a deep sleep and realized at the last moment that dreaming was meaningless. I looked at Uncle Three’s code and knew what I would think of tomorrow. That was what I had to do.

<Chapter 112><Table of Contents><Chapter 113>

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They’re acting like we might lose power with all this snow and ice so if I go MIA for a few days, I’m not dead in a ditch or anything, just don’t have power lol. I think it’ll be fine, but who knows. I also went ahead and put “Ten Years Later” into a pdf yesterday since I felt like it didn’t really need any work (unlike the previous volumes I’m still slowly working on lol). Link is here. Ya’ll stay safe out there~~