Chapter 18 Urine

Uncle Three suddenly broke out in a cold sweat—why was smoke coming out of the coffin? Then he saw Xie Lianhuan’s expression and knew right away that something was up. Did this guy do something?

He quickly pulled Xie Lianhuan off the iron coffin and asked him what the hell was going on.

Xie Lianhuan stammered and made some strange gestures, but was obviously too nervous to say anything clearly. After a long time, he eventually said two words, “I…I…f-fire…”

Uncle Three looked at his hands, saw that he was holding the cap to a fire stick—a fire stick was something that could ignite as soon as it came into contact with air, so it was usually placed in a sealed reed tube—and immediately understood what was going on.

Xie Lianhuan must have been curious about the contents of the coffin, so he threw a fire stick into the hole and pressed his eye up against the opening to get a look at what was inside.

This was called “digging a hole in the wall to steal some light”.⁽¹⁾ The southern school of grave robbers copied this method from the northern school, and used it quite often. Novice grave robbers especially liked to use it when opening coffins, but it was important to remember the common saying among those in this line of work: three steps before and four steps after. It meant that you had to be extremely cautious when doing something, and plan three steps before doing it and four steps after doing it. The northern school of grave robbers could use this “digging a hole in the wall to steal some light” method take things from the coffin without even entering the tomb. Although quite impressive, it was considered a heretical way of robbing a tomb, and there were also many restrictions and risks when putting it into practice, so veterans generally didn’t use it. Uncle Three didn’t know whether Xie Lianhuan figured the method out himself or learned it from some other half-baked grave robber.

The biggest risk of using this method was that it may burn the grave goods in the coffin, especially if the corpse was dry. The dry pieces of rotten silk on the corpse would catch fire almost instantly, and then the flames would spread and destroy the other things in the coffin, such as ancient bamboo slips and beaded jewelry. Even if they put the fire out, it would be too late. That was why those who resorted to this method had to be very careful. But Xie Lianhuan used it without thinking about the consequences.

Uncle Three cursed to himself, feeling annoyed—it was a mistake not to keep an eye on this guy. He was very interested in the coffin, not only because there must be some good treasures inside, but because he wanted to see the corpse. It would be a real shame if the things in the coffin had burned up. If anyone caught wind of this, they would definitely become a laughingstock.

With this thought in mind, Uncle Three pushed Xie Lianhuan out of the away and rushed over to the coffin, pressing himself up against the hole and blowing as hard as he could to try and blow out the flames. But unexpectedly, the black smoke billowing out of the hole seemed to increase even more, making Uncle Three gag. He hurriedly pulled his head back, grabbed the canteen from his belt, and poured it into the coffin hole.

The sea breeze as they had made their way from the boat to the reef had left his mouth feeling dry, so there wasn’t much water left. The small amount remaining quickly disappeared into the coffin, but it wasn’t enough to put the fire out.

“Fucking shit!” Uncle Three was so anxious that he was sweating. Then he turned to Xie Lianhuan and saw that the canteen around the other man’s waist seemed to be bulging a little bit. Seeing how Xie Lianhuan was still standing there in a daze, he swore angrily, “What the hell are you doing? Give me your fucking canteen!”

“Can…? Oh! Canteen!” Only then did Xie Lianhuan come back to his senses and quickly unhook the canteen from his belt. Uncle Three snatched it from him, opened it, and poured half of the contents down the hole in one go. Unfortunately, not only did the black smoke continue billowing out, but a bunch of flames suddenly shot out from the coffin hole.

Uncle Three knew right away that something was wrong—why did the fire suddenly seem worse? He quickly sniffed the canteen and cursed as the smell of alcohol hit his nose. Looking at the coffin again, flames licked around the small opening, and thick smoke almost filled the whole tomb chamber.

He was so stunned that he didn’t know what to do. The fire in the iron coffin had already burned to the point that it was impossible to put out by sticking his hand in the hole. But even if it wasn’t, there was still a chance that he could fall into some kind of trap and die. The small amount of water they had wasn’t enough, but the coffin would be completely destroyed if they waited for the fire to go out on its own. With how strong the flames were, even jade would crack. He could tell that the owner of this tomb was someone impressive, who likely had amazing treasures inside the coffin. If there was something like a luminous pearl inside and it burned up, he knew he’d never forgive himself.

(In fact, all they had to do was plug the hole in the coffin with something, but they were so panicked that they didn’t even think of it.)

Seeing how the flames were getting bigger and bigger, and black smoke was billowing out of the hole in thick clouds, Uncle Three and Xie Lianhuan looked at each other in dismay.

Just as Uncle Three was on the verge of losing all hope and lamenting the fact that all the treasure was going to burn, Xie Lianhuan suddenly did something surprising—he jumped onto the coffin, knelt down, undid his belt, and started urinating. As the yellow stream poured into the coffin hole, the smell mixed with the smell of corpses and burning objects, creating an extremely unpleasant odor.

It was an insane idea, but because his actions were so unexpected, Uncle Three had no time to stop him. By the time he finally came back to his senses, it was too late.

Uncle Three felt like he had been completely blindsided. Since ancient times, the southern school of grave robbers had been bold, unconstrained, and uninhibited because they believed that their actions would be written off after death. They usually opened coffins however they pleased, but they still paid attention to the degree of danger and were very careful. Xie Lianhuan was probably the first to commit the crime of urinating in a coffin like this. It was a good thing the head of the Xie family wasn’t here to witness it. Otherwise, he would have exploded in anger.

But surprisingly enough, Xie Lianhuan’s urine actually did the trick, and soon, the smoke coming out of the coffin started to diminish.

After he finished, Xie Lianhuan seemed just as shocked by his own actions and sat down heavily on the coffin.

Uncle Three had tears in his eyes as he looked at the bronze figure on the iron coffin and wiped the cold sweat from his forehead. Chills ran up and down his spine and there was an ominous premonition in his heart.

Whistle coffins were said to contain some kind of demonic creature, but now this one had been lit on fire and soaked in yellow urine. Needless to say, it probably bore a huge grudge against them. Whether it was a zombie or a living person, anyone would be ready to maim you if you burned their mouth with fire and then urinated on them.

Uncle Three continued to stare at the iron coffin in a cold sweat, wondering what was going to happen next. Would something come flying out of that hole?

The two of them continued to watch as the amount of smoke coming out of the coffin hole gradually disappeared—it seemed that the fire had really gone out.

But there was no movement inside the coffin, as if the incident just now had never happened.

Uncle Three wiped the sweat from his brow and breathed a sigh of relief, secretly thanking the heavens for their blessing. It seemed that Xie Lianhuan really was a lucky bastard—although the coffin was a whistle coffin, it was a “dead” one.

A “dead coffin” was one where the zombie inside had long since rotted away, leaving only some harmless bones behind. Not only were they not dangerous, but they made up the majority of coffins in ancient tombs. Otherwise, no one would dare get involved in the grave robbing business.

If this whistle coffin wasn’t a “dead coffin”, then something would have definitely happened when Xie Lianhuan lit it on fire and then doused it in urine. But quite a bit of time had passed and there was still no sign of movement, so now he was even more certain that it was a “dead coffin”.

After waiting for a while with still no changes, Uncle Three finally relaxed and sat down on the ground. Xie Lianhuan, seeing that Uncle Three was no longer tense, immediately realized that everything was fine and sank to the ground as well. Then, he started crying.

Uncle Three shook his head and smiled wryly, silently telling himself that this was punishment for his sins. After joining this guy on one job, his life had definitely been shortened a few years. He would never work with him again. Fortunately, there was nothing dangerous in the coffin; otherwise, he might have really been killed this time.

With that thought in mind, Uncle Three suddenly came to a realization—since there was no danger, didn’t that mean that they could take the things out of the coffin today instead of waiting until tomorrow?

Not only was it risky to make another trip back here, but the presence of Chen Wen-Jin’s team made things very inconvenient. There was also the issue of the corpse’s position in relation to the coffin hole. If the hole was placed right over the corpse’s head, they would only be able to grab whatever objects were in the vicinity of the corpse’s head and chest. If the hole was placed over the corpse’s legs, they might be able to grab some jade objects that were usually placed by the corpse’s feet. Either way, there may be some good treasures inside, although not too many. At least the small amount meant that they could take everything away all at once. And if they did it now, they wouldn’t have to come back down tomorrow.

Even though the hole was now covered in urine, as a grave robber, it wasn’t like he had never encountered anything disgusting before. Besides, he knew himself well—even if there was shit in there, he would still be willing to reach his arm in and try to grab some treasure.

Uncle Three was now faced with an internal battle. On one side was the overwhelming greed characteristic of grave robbers; on the other side was the lingering fear of this hole. In the end, greed won out. You wouldn’t be in this business if you were a scaredy-cat, Uncle Three said to himself. Let’s stop thinking about it and just fucking go for it.

He immediately stood up, climbed onto the coffin, bowed to it, and then rolled up his sleeves. Gritting his teeth, he then closed his eyes and stuck his hand into the coffin hole.

He only made it as far as an inch before he immediately regretted his decision—the temperature inside had suddenly increased. Based on the legends, Zhang Yancheng didn’t rely on luck, but on the skills of his fingers. Yet here Uncle Three was, hastily sticking his hand into the hole without giving it much thought. It was really fucking reckless.

He wanted to withdraw his hand, but when he looked back, he saw Xie Lianhuan staring at him with a stupid expression on his face. Unwilling to look like a coward, he clenched his teeth and continued pushing his hand deeper into the coffin.

Pushing his hand further into the hole was an indescribable feeling. The deeper he went, the faster his heart beat, and his fingers soon began to feel numb. He kept his expression blank the whole time, but when his hand finally touched the corpse, his back was drenched in sweat and his fingers inside the coffin were trembling so hard that they didn’t have any strength.

It was so easy to picture this scene that I found myself trembling as I listened to him talk about it. It didn’t matter whether it was a coffin or an ordinary box that you cut a hole in; anyone would be overcome with an inexplicable wave of fear if you told them to stick their hand in.

After Uncle Three touched the corpse, he poked it a few times and found that his fingers were sticky. The sensation was enough to make his hair stand on end. Based on what he could feel, it seemed like his fingers had found the corpse’s mouth. He felt around some more and determined that the corpse was charred and swollen and its mouth was wide open. It almost seemed like the corpse was positioned in the exact same way as the bronze figure on the coffin lid, but he had no way of verifying. The thing that really made him feel uneasy, however, was that he could feel the fire stick in the corpse’s mouth, and it was still very hot.

Yes, this is definitely punishment for my sins, he thought to himself as he gritted his teeth and stuck his fingers further in the corpse’s mouth. After pushing the fire stick aside, he suddenly felt a hard, circular object brush against his fingers.

Hot damn, there’s a jade bi⁽²⁾ under the tongue! Uncle Three secretly rejoiced. We’re in luck! This kind of thing won’t burn so easily.

He quickly pinched it between his fingers and started to pull it out, but he immediately felt that something was wrong—this jade bi was unbelievably heavy. He tried pulling for half a minute, only to find that he couldn’t lift it any higher. When he tried putting more strength into it, the whole coffin suddenly shook a little bit, and then the creaking sound of heavy rusted metal could be heard coming from below his feet.

All the color suddenly drained from his face as he thought to himself, not good, it’s a trap!

<Chapter 17><Table of Contents><Chapter 19>

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TN Notes:

(1) This idiom is used to describe someone who studies diligently in the face of hardship. The story behind it is that a kid dug a hole in the wall to make use of the neighbor’s light to study. I guess in this context you could say it’s used to describe someone who’s willing to do just about anything to get what they want.

(2) A bi is a flat jade disc with a circular hole in the center. They were buried with the dead as a symbol of the sky/heaven, accompanying the dead into the otherworld or “sky”. They were placed ceremonially on the body in the grave of persons of high social status and were sometimes found near the stomach and chest in neolithic burials. Info here.