The Taoist priest who came out looked at us with a lot of hostility. He refused to sit with us and went to lean against the wall instead. When Little Brother Zhang threw the glasses back to him, he caught them and then crossed his arms in front of his chest, “I don’t understand why you’re telling them so much. If they go to that place, I promise you that none of them will succeed.”
Little Brother Zhang waved his hand, “I told you, the Wang family was able to take advantage of our Zhang family because we believe in ourselves too much. This time, we have to learn from the Wang family. As long as we can get others to help us, we can just change their surname to Zhang.”
“Who the fuck wants to change his surname?” Fatty said to him. “I won’t change my name under any circumstances. What’s the big deal with the surname Zhang, anyways? How many people in China have it? Did you stake a claim to it? Do you think you’re the Emperor Datong (1) who can bestow surnames?”
The Taoist priest immediately became angry and went up and stuck a talisman on Fatty’s face. He then started cursing him, “You’re so shameless! I’ll give you a six-defeat-seven-funeral talisman (2) to break your good fortune and longevity. For the rest of your life, gold will turn into sand and good luck will turn into bad.”
Fatty tore it off. He was butthurt because he felt that even though he was quite unlucky, he had the first-class ability to make money. The curse had hit him where it hurt most. He jumped up and hit the Taoist priest.
The two of them knocked over a jar lying by Black Glasses’ bed that was full of old paintings and calligraphy pieces. Black Glasses and Little Brother Zhang climbed over the sofa and pulled the two men apart. Black Glasses picked up the calligraphy and paintings and said to Su Wan, “Hurry up and put these things away. Don’t leave them here.”
Su Wan immediately came over and started picking them up.
“You’re definitely not the Zhang family! How could someone in the Zhang family get so riled up? What happened to the Zhang family’s autistic upbringing?” Fatty had been dragged back by Little Brother Zhang. He shook him off, straightened his clothes, and shouted, “You’re two pathetic dogs in heat stepping on a wire and pretending you’re electric guitars (3).”
“We’re both foreigners, foreigners that have been in contact with the outside world.” Little Brother Zhang said. “Zhang Qianjun has been living in the mountains in Shanxi Province. For so many years, he didn’t know what happened to the Zhang family. This kind of Zhang family exists all over the country. They live alone in no man’s land. It’s only when the Zhang family has plans in the local area that they get called on. I’m looking for these family members now. Zhang Qianjun, the people here are friends of the patriarch. You have to be polite.”
Zhang Qianjun looked at us reluctantly, as if he didn’t believe it.
Fatty looked at his expression and sneered, “Idiot. The relationship between me and your patriarch is as strong as iron. You’re so rude that you deserve to be sent to the frontier.”
Zhang Qianjun’s face immediately turned red. It was obvious that he was upset at being dispatched to the frontier, but he resisted attacking this time and cupped his hands to salute me, “My surname is Zhang. My full name is Qianjun Wanma. It can be shortened to Zhang Qianjun.”
If I hadn’t seen Little Brother Zhang in that hallucination and confirmed that he was really part of the Zhang family, I was afraid I wouldn’t have believed a word they were saying right now. I didn’t know who among the Zhang family came up with a bitter name like Zhang Qianjun Wanma (4), but I kept feeling that it revealed the sorry state of the border region’s literacy.
“He knows the Five Ghosts Transportation ritual.” Little Brother Zhang said to me. “After we enter that blind spot, the ancient tomb may be buried very deep under many layers of bluestone. We don’t have time to spend half a year digging a grave robbers’ tunnel in that place. And if we try to blow up the bluestones, it’ll be more dangerous than ordinary places. So, we need him to use the Five Ghosts Transportation ritual to get us in.”
Even I laughed this time, “Really? Does the Five Ghost Transportation ritual really exist in this world? Are you sure that cup and glasses just now wasn’t a magic trick?”
Although I didn’t want to admit it, I suddenly felt as if I shouldn’t be using Poker-Face and Zhang Haike as a basis to judge all the other Zhang family members. The two Zhangs in front of me might not have read any books, after all.
“By the way, do you know calculus?” I asked Little Brother Zhang, deciding to give it a try anyways.
<Extra 6.12> <Table of Contents><Extra 6.14>
****
TN Notes:
(1) Also known as Emperor Wu of Liang. Baidu says he revised the “Hundred Family Surnames”, which was an official record of the common Chinese surnames and prefectures of all the noble families. Each noble family had the names, official positions, and blood relations of its members listed in detail. According to that Wikepedia article, Zhang (张) was in there.
(2) Ummm, he’s basically giving Fatty bad juju lol. He’s trying to place a curse on him. All I was finding was that “six defeats” was mentioned in the “The Art of War”. It’s kind of self-explanatory. There are 6 ways to be defeated. The “seven funerals” might have something to do with Chinese funeral customs. They believe the soul of the deceased returns home in the 1st seven days after death.
(3) I still don’t get it, but Tiffany had this insight: He probably meant that they pretended to be awesome, just like how dogs pretend they’re like electric guitars
(4) Qianjun (千军)= a thousand troops. Wanma (万马)=ten thousand horses. When you combine all four characters (千军万马), you get this: magnificent army with thousands of men and horses (idiom); impressive display of manpower / all the King’s horses and all the King’s men.
MereBear's Translation 
This is beautiful. I was really wondering for a while there if Poker Face was indeed the last of his family, and now they’re popping out of the woodwork! Good to know he won’t be alone for the rest of his life, if they don’t all end up dying on some hare-brained adventure. (Looking at you giant eel in the stagnant water dragon king palace!)
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For electric guitar part, maybe Fatty means that a dog mistakenly put its foot on the electric cable. To save his face, he pretends there is no problem but when he barks, it sounds like an electric guitar. In other word, those two made obvious mistake, but they still pretend and talk about themselves with pride.
Or maybe he wants to say that they are not especial persons. But coincidentally, they achieve a small title or something, and because of that they think they’re so cool and pretend to have information that sets them apart from others.
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”As long as we can get others to help us, we can just change their surname to Zhang.”
No need to convince wu xie his surname is already basically zhang 🤭
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